Democratic Party

No, Jill Stein and Jimmy Dore Aren’t Secretly Conservative

And Freedom Caucus isn't secretly liberal

Author’s forewarning: This article relies heavily on sarcasm and satire to make points. Please be sure you fully understand the actual meaning of each assertion before you freak out.

Ever since Madam President “lost” the election to an orange baboon with an ego to compete with the combined egos of everyone in Manhattan, many long-time Democrats have been pointing fourteen arms’ worth of fingers in every direction other than Crooked Hillary’s herself. According to the political wizards and mages that are your average MSNBC viewer (age 63), there are a number of totally reasonable and obvious occurrences that led to Clinton’s demise:

  • Perhaps it was a “whitelash,” a term coined by Van Jones to describe how racist Americans would never, ever elect a black president, ever. Ever. Also, never mind now that Hillary is white. It’s racism, folks.
  • Perhaps it was Dr. Jill Stein, Green Party presidential candidate stealing votes from Hillary. You know, because Hillary clearly owns all of your votes. Free will and Democracy need-not apply.
  • Perhaps it was all the sexist “Bernie-Bros” who so couldn’t stand the idea of a woman president, that they voted for Jill Stein (she has a penis*) instead.
  • Perhaps it was THE RUSSIANS™ meddling with our elections, which would be totally not cool because we’ve definitely never messed with other countries’ elections.
  • Perhaps it was James Comey, doing his job by accurately penning about the FBI’s ongoing investigations into Clinton’s illegal use of personal email servers.
  • Perhaps it was WikiLeaks, a group that takes information hidden to the public by corporate and governmental oligarchs and makes it available to their constituents.
  • Perhaps it was progressive political talkshow hosts like Jimmy Dore, doing actual journalism and revealing facts and evidence which is the opposite of what journalists are supposed to do, dammit.

On Jill Stein and Jimmy Dore, these antique Democrats make some interesting assumptions. A table full of assumptions, to be metaphoric.

flynn

Oh dear, it does appear that the Greens’ beloved Dr. Jill Stein is a Russian spy. Little-known fact: Sitting at the same table as someone else automatically means you’re in their pocket! Which leads me to an interesting conclusion (several, actually):

  • Putin is in Jill Stein’s pocket, because he sat at the same table as her. Therefore, Putin is a Green Party spy meddling in Russian government.
  • Bill Clinton is in George Bush’s pocket, also, as we see them both here playing golf and hugging.

topix-clinton-bush.jpg

The moral of the story here is: Being at the same table, the same room, or on the same planet as someone else does not imply ownership. This is an inherently absurd claim because nobody would even know which direction the ownership goes in. It could just be that Stein and Putin are important political figures attending the same event, and that former United States presidents can relax and play golf together, sometimes. Call me crazy, I know.

Many have also claimed that progressives like Jimmy Dore who attack the corporate Democratic Party are therefore secretly conservative. Again, this relies on absurd claims.

  • The Democratic Party is left-wing.
  • Attacking the Democratic Party can only be done by Republicans.

Neither of these statements are true. However, they are assumed to be true by many Democratic voters who pay the most attention to corporate media like MSNBC (Fun fact: MSNBC is owned by Comcast; and Comcast is worth 179.02 billion dollars.)

Here’s what’s actually true:

  • The mainstream Democratic Party is moderately right-wing.
  • Attacking the Democratic Party doesn’t inherently imply anything about your own party.
  • Republicans attack Democrats “from the right,” defining Obamacare as socialist, too much governmental interference, etc.
  • Greens and Progressives attack Democrats “from the left,” defining Obamacare as capitalist, not enough governmental assistance, advocating instead for single-payer.

And one last interesting point, if we are to use the Democrats’ own logic:

  • If the far-left Green Party attacking centrist Democrats makes the Green Party a Republican group, that also means that the far-right Freedom Caucus attacking centrist Republicans makes the Freedom Caucus a Democratic group.

Of course, the Green Party is not Republican and Freedom Caucus is not Democratic. They are far-left and far-right, respectively. Unfortunately, the long-time Democrats and man-hating feminists will stop at nothing to protect corporate interests, status-quo, and vagina-weilding politicians like Hillary Clinton.

*Jill Stein probably does not have a penis
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